I am procrastinating. My plane leaves for Halifax in a couple hours but instead of packing, I’m thinking about the past couple of weeks. Having traversed 90% of the country for surgery interviews, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of flying, I’m tired of changing in airplane washrooms, of brushing my teeth in airports, of dropping hundreds of dollars on cab rides to and from airports, hotels and hospitals.
I’m tired of selling myself and tired of listening to programs sell themselves to me. Why do I want to be a surgeon? I have a scripted answer. It used to seem real, but I’ve been asked this question so many times that I can give my answer with my eyes closed.. verbatim. Is that what this is all about?
These are the most important interviews in my life (thus far), the pinnacle of all my years of post-graduate education and yet, it seems anti-climatic to me now. Incredibly stressful still, but simultaneously lackluster.
Sitting for my interviews at the University of Toronto last week, me and a room of applicants listened to the program directors present their case as to why Toronto was the biggest, bestest and the most deserving of the finest applicants. Over an hour of propaganda, but no different from any other program.
And as I sat there daydreaming, I couldn’t help but ask myself a simple question. Is this why I dreamed of being a doctor for all of those years? To play the game?
Medicine used to be a field that seemed so pure to me, so noble, so simple. I’m sure it still can be, I just needed to realize that it’s up to me to make it so, because certain aspects (not all) of this profession for damn sure aren’t.
And with that, I’m off to Dalhousie and Memorial University for some sweet, sweet lobster. Pray for me homies!
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